MY LIFE IS STILL UNDER CONSTRUCTION: A BEAUTIFUL WORK IN PROGRESS
MY LIFE IS STILL UNDER CONSTRUCTION: A BEAUTIFUL WORK IN PROGRESS
I had been driving for 13 hours. I had 4 more hours to go before I would complete my road trip from Texas to Georgia in 2009. The trip would not have been so bad had I not had my 3 year old son and my 4-week old daughter with me. At 4 am, I loaded the car, drank an energy drink, and then we started our journey. I was a sleep deprived mother who emotionally was struggling with knowing that my then husband had left the night prior on a trip to Georgia and decided not to take us with him. I had to prove a point. That I was a woman, that I can do anything I put my mind to, but truthfully, I was angry, hurt, and disappointed which is what really fueled my desire to drive to Georgia. To follow my husband and to visit our family. At the 13 hour point of my drive, I had been doing okay. I made stops every 3 hours to feed my 4 week old daughter, fuel for gas, grab some snacks, and take a brief restroom break. Then, I noticed the sun going down and I started to get tired. I opened another energy drink and gulped it down. Knowing that normally I don’t drink caffeine, but I felt it would help me stay alert to finish the trip. I was almost there, I got on the road and started feeling dizzy. The road was spinning and I felt hot. I started panicking and breathing hard. I couldn’t drive any further. So, I pulled over to the side of the road. I took a few breaths, rolled the window down, and after a few minutes, I tried to get back on the highway, but it happened immediately again. I was dizzy, hot, and my heart was racing faster than before. I pulled over again for about 30 minutes. Watching the cars speeding pass me only made my heart beat faster instead of calming down. I called my mom who lived in Georgia and explained what happened. She told me to go to the next exit and rest until the next morning and then to try again. I tried to make it to the next exit, but after 2 more attempts I ended on the side of the road again with the same symptoms. I finally put my hazard lights on and made it to the next exit. It took me a total of 2 hours to finally make it to the next exit which was only ¼ mile away from where I pulled over. I went to a hotel, ate, rested that night, and showered in the morning.
The next morning, I loaded the car with myself and my 2 kids early and started on my journey again. I drove for about 2 hours and then I felt that panicky feeling again. This time it drained me so much. I felt so tired. This time I felt like I wasn’t able to control my foot on the gas pedal or my hands on the steering wheel because they were shaking so much. I pulled over and called my parents who at this point decided to drive to meet me in Alabama. They met me and drove me the rest of the way to Georgia. I felt disappointed in myself that I couldn’t finish the trip alone, but I was glad to be safe. Two weeks had past, while I was in Georgia and I stayed with my family. It was now time to load up again. I tried to get on the highway to head back to Texas, but I couldn’t. I called my parents who decided they would drive me to Texas and not risk my safety or their grandkids safety.
Fast forward 2 years and my driving did not get any better. My panic attacks got worse. I stopped driving on the highway and would only use the access roads to get around town. My life became so small because I would not drive to any place that I was unfamiliar for fear of being stuck on the side of the road alone or with my kids. I didn’t tell anyone locally that I struggled with panic attacks. I was too proud. I made excuses why I didn’t go places that required me to get on the highway. I would use my GPS system and take extended routes to avoiding highways. My trip time was usually doubled, but I didn’t care. I was stubborn and wanted to be independent to a fault.
In 2011, two years after my first panic attack, I worked at a military post with soldiers dealing with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). I would listen to their stories and feel the same feelings that they talked about having. I could relate to the intensity of the feelings of panic, helplessness, embarrassment, and feeling ashamed of life getting out of control. I felt inspired by the soldiers I worked with. So, I decided to go back to school to complete my doctorate degree in Occupational therapy. I completed my capstone project on Mindfulness Strategies to Overcome Symptoms of PTSD and Anxiety. I was open and honest about my experiences with the group of soldiers I facilitated. I shared my own struggles with panic attacks and I went through the healing and acceptance process with them. As we both faced our fears head on, I set goals for myself along with the group members.
My goal was to drive again, to live again, to open my life back up, which had been shut down for years. After completing my doctorate degree, I got a job offer, but it would require me to get on the highway to commute to work. Fear crossed my mind, the thought about what if I get stuck, but I used the strategies that I taught my soldiers in the program. Whenever I felt panic symptoms, I would do positive self-talk and tell myself these words, “it’s okay to feel panic, you are okay, do it anyway”. I listened to calming music and completed deep breathing exercises. I would drive a short distance at first. Then, I would pull over after I reached my target location. I would do it again and go a little further each time. Within a few weeks, I didn’t have to pull over anymore. Yes at times, I still feel the fear, but I recognized it as just that. I am still working my way to more normalcy. I continue to become mentally stronger to keep trying and keep going further. Each successful trip increases my confidence in my driving. I am regaining my life. I am feeling more like myself and whole again. I have since shared my story with others who struggle with symptoms of panic attacks, PTSD, and feelings of inferiority. I learned to replace those fears with feelings of love, acceptance, compassion, and understanding for myself and the feelings of others. My guiding model now is one from Susan Jeffers to “feel the fear and do it anyway”. Fear can paralyze us or motivate us. I now choose to let it motivate me to live my life to the fullest.
Dr. Elizabeth Jennings, OTD, OTR/L, c/NDT
Certified Mindfulness and Integrative Wellness Life Coach, Author, Speaker